Empathy and its relationship to emotional intelligence

In a previous blog post we talked about emotional intelligence. Empathy is pervasive throughout emotional intelligence so I thought it would be good to focus on empathy and the relationship between the two. 

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Now a common misconception with empathy is that you have to feel exactly what that person is feeling and you have to agree with what they are saying. That is not the case and you wouldn’t necessarily want that to be the case in some circumstances, natural disagreement is healthy. 

To effectively build emotional intelligence you have to master the key skill of validating feelings without necessarily agreeing with them. This skill is essential for building healthy relationships, resolving conflicts and fostering understanding. 

Here are some key tips for effectively showing empathy. 

• Active listening - you need to maintain eye contact, give verbal and non-verbal cues, like nodding or simply saying ‘I understand’. 
• Avoid distractions such as your phone or other conversations happening around you. We have all been in meetings with people when they are constantly looking at their phones, which signals to us that what is happening on the screen is more important. In this instance it is more productive to pause the discussion, they can deal with whatever they need to and then we can reconvene when everyone is able to share their full attention.  
• Try not to formulate your responses while the other person is still talking. This is something the talent team has to practise a lot with coaching and trust me, we know how hard it is. But listen fully to what someone is saying and then formulate your response, don’t be worried about a short delay while you do this, people would rather feel listened to. 
• Use empathetic responses - these are ‘I’ statements such as ‘I understand that the situation is difficult’ and ‘I can see how you might feel that way’. 
• Avoid judging or criticising. And if you are feeling judgemental or criticising in your head, don’t let it show on your face!  
• Use mirroring or reflective listening. Mirroring is where you use a person’s own words back to them to show you have been listening. Reflective listening takes this a step further and you use your own words to summarise their feelings and thoughts to show your understanding and engagement. 

If you are able to master these key skills and improve your ability to empathise with your colleagues, your emotional intelligence will greatly improve too.